Is your baby a good baby?

“Is she a good baby?” I look up at the flight attendant blankly and reply, “Excuse me?”

“Is she a good baby?” she repeats, “I mean, does she sleep and eat well? If they do those two things then you’re golden, right?”

I blink a few times before I can come up with a response. “Do you have a child?”

“Me? Oh, no!” She laughs, “ I’m totally not ready for that kind of commitment.”

Clearly.

At the beginning of my journey in motherhood, “is she a good baby” was often the first question anyone would ask me. Worse, I was asked in Arabic "عم بتعزبك؟", which translates to “is she giving you trouble?” I felt it was more of an assumption than a question. As if this baby was simply a troubling inconvenience instead of a beautiful miracle that I had prayed for. 

The question would so easily roll off the tongues of visitors before even asking the simple question of “how are you?” I know now that this is probably their strange way of asking that without realizing what a loaded question they are presenting. At first, I would fumble with a response and make up excuses for her constant nursing and the sleepless nights. “She’s underweight, so I don’t mind the night nursing” or “Oh you know, she has acid reflux so it’s hard for her to sleep properly.” It was as if my child was an employee for whom I was giving a performance evaluation. They would nod along with my clumsy answers, and some well intentioned guests would even try to offer solutions. Solutions for things that were not even problems. 

As I grew more confident in motherhood, I started to think long and hard about this question. Was my baby a good baby? Well, yes. What was the alternative? To say no? No, simply because she didn’t sleep 12 hours through the night from 6 weeks old? No, because she wanted to be held close and cuddled in my warm arms, just as I enjoy being hugged by my husband? No because she wanted to nourish herself with breastmilk so that she could grow and thrive? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that society’s idea of a “good baby” is so far from the reality of the human nature of a newborn that we are confusing first time mothers so terribly and setting unrealistic expectations for them. We are asking mothers to fight against their intuition and try to get their baby to fit a mold he may not be ready for yet. Some babies sleep through from 2 months. Some babies don’t until 2 years. Every child is different, but one thing is for sure mamas: Every baby is a good baby. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Six things I believed pre-motherhood that simply aren't true

1. I can read my way through motherhood

Before giving birth, a myriad of books were recommended to me to read on parenthood. These books were all written by “experts” on subjects like sleep, development, discipline, etc. I armed myself with literature and absorbed as much as my preggo-brain could handle. I was convinced that the more prepared I was, the more I would smash this mommy thing. I would have a disciplined little angel who would giggle her way through the day and sleep peacefully through the night.

Boy was I wrong.

First off, NO ONE is an expert on your baby except you (and even that is debatable at times…). What worked for the test babies of these so called experts (most of which are men or women who’ve never had children) will not necessarily work for your baby. She is a human, not a robot, so you sadly cannot expect that you can program her based on these books and it will automatically work. You can use books as a guideline and for helpful tips, but assuming that your baby will eat, sleep, and poop on cue just because you read so will just set you up for failure.

2. I can schedule my daughter’s life if I’m disciplined enough

Being a lover of schedules, task lists, and all other type-A tools I firmly believed that I would be able to force my daughter into a schedule that worked around my life. For weeks I struggled with her as I tried to get her to eat and sleep according to the schedule I’d devised (which was based on all those expert books I read). She was miserable, I was miserable, and it just wasn’t working.

One week I decided to simply go with her flow and monitor exactly what she wanted to do. When she wanted to eat, when she wanted to nap, where she wanted to nap, etc. I noted it all down in an excel file (yet another type-A tool) and was astonished to see that she actually DID have an extremely predictable routine, but it just wasn’t the one I set.  Since then, I have been following her lead and I am now able to plan my life around her. That is the real truth of it all: when they’re babies you don’t call the shots – deal with it.

3. Babies will drift off into gorgeous 2 hour naps on their own

As a startup owner, I knew having a baby was going to be a struggle and I would have to learn to juggle my priorities effectively to manage. The one thing I thought I could count on was that babies nap, and that would be the time during which I would have a lazy mug of coffee, answer my emails poignantly, and create genius strategy presentations - all while my baby was sleeping like an angel in her crib.

HA! That is all I have to say for parents to understand what I mean.

For all you non-parents, let me explain. As I type this, my daughter is napping on me in a baby carrier. This happens to be the only consistent way she naps. Every other method is a complete battle, and past the newborn stage most babies actually are unable to fall asleep on their own without assistance such as rocking, pacifiers, white noise, etc. The sleep experts will tell you NO SLEEP PROPS ALLOWED and insist that you place your baby awake in her crib and allow her to “self-soothe”, which is a subject I will save for another day.  

If you have a baby that is capable of falling asleep on his own then I really congratulate you. As for me, I rock, sing, beg, plead, and do whatever it takes at the moment to get her to nap. While that’s probably not the best thing to do, I honestly just need a break and time to do the laundry, wash the dishes, cook dinner, and answer those emails without a baby clambering all over me so for now that’s going to have to be good enough.

4.  All babies love ________________

There is a blank at the end of that sentence because you can pretty much insert anything you commonly believe about babies and my daughter will prove you wrong.

Pacifiers? She hates them.  

Car rides? She will scream bloody murder until you pick her up out of her car seat.

Bottles? It took THREE MONTHS of daily attempts with 7 different brands to get my daughter to take a bottle.

Don’t expect that your child will love that swing that your nephew adores. Don’t rely on things based on what worked for others. Figuring out your baby is a constant game of trial and error and you will find your child may not fit the mold. My child happens to be a very opinionated individual, and while at first that frustrated me I realized I really can’t blame her for taking after her mama.

5. Babies are cute companions for everyday life

During my pregnancy, I became a baby radar. On every mall trip, I would scan for moms and admire how fun it looked to have a mums meet up while your child naps (haha) in your ridiculously overpriced pram. I imagined my baby happily accompanying me to on my grocery runs, my coffee dates, my fitness classes, and anything else I fancied doing. It was going to be soooo fun.

If I’d looked closer at those mums I would have noticed one of them bouncing her child incessantly on her knee to avoid a complete meltdown. I would have seen the other’s half eaten food that she wasn’t going to finish because eating with a baby on your lap is just too much of a hassle. I would have picked up on how often they both nervously checked their watches trying to ensure they had time to get home before a nap was due. I would have realized that this probably was the first time either of them had been out of the house all week.

So many outsiders find moms meetups frivolous, but after being cooped up all day with a baby you will know just how valuable a few hours outside of the house with another adult really are – even if they’re difficult to manage.

6. I am ready

I wanted a child so badly it hurt. I thought I was ready for motherhood and that it would come so naturally to me. I read all the books, bought all the accessories, set up the nursery, and sat patiently waiting for this baby to arrive.

And when she did, I realized something: you can never be ready.

A baby will turn your whole world upside down. He will make your former life unrecognizable. You are not ready for the sleepless nights, the constant crying, the vomit covered unwashed hair, and the persistent feeling of self doubt. You are not ready for that, and that’s ok.

Being a parent is the biggest challenge I have ever faced. Having never been comfortable with feeling out of control, I found it difficult to adjust to a baby’s inconsistency. Only when I let go of the need to have the reigns did I finally find my rhythm as a mother. Each day is different, and each phase will pass, so while you may not be ready just know that you are definitely capable. 

I’m only 4 months into this gig and it’s been a bumpy start, but with a supportive partner, a good sense of humor, and a strong cup of coffee you can power through it – I promise.

so you're a grown-up. now what?

The UN defines youth as the period in your life between the ages of 15 and 24. Kind of a depressing thing to hear when you’re less two months away from your 25th birthday.

Realizing that I am now an adult by all definitions and free to do whatever my heart desires is something I desperately yearned for at 18, but actually somewhat daunts me at 25. One thought repeats itself in my mind: have I done enough with my life?

Apparently, this question is the hallmark of what psychologists call a Quarter-Life Crisis. Unfortunately, unlike those going through a mid-life crisis, I cannot afford a red sports car with a V12 engine loud enough to drown out my own thoughts.

The phenomenon is one that is proliferating among young adults who start to feel like maybe they are not so young anymore. Highly educated, successful men and women find themselves staring blankly at their lives and wondering if they did everything they possibly could have done in 25 years. Were they far enough along in their career, were they happy working for “the man”, and why hadn’t they met the one yet are all questions that race through their minds as they realize that their existence has already spanned a quarter of a century.

After graduating from university most of us believe we are going to change the world. The truth is, the world spins by so fast (without our help, I might add) that we find ourselves 5 years post grad wondering whether we have even left our fingerprints on the windowpane of our existence. And it doesn’t seem to matter where you are in your life at that point, as the epitome of a quarter life crisis is best defined by the old cliché “the grass is always greener on the other side.” Successful managers find themselves attending their peers’ weddings and wondering why their own love life hasn’t fallen together, while happily married individuals begin to question whether they gave up their singledom too quickly.

No one is satisfied.

The problem with the twenties is that we have recently left behind a period of our lives marked by rites of passage and milestones to hit. Life is set out by a series of gates and graduations, which make it easy to assess whether we’re on the right path. As soon as the last degree is attained, though, it’s all free falling from there. Post-grad, society’s definition of success ranges over such a wide spectrum that we struggle to pinpoint exactly where we want to be and where we want to go.

Right now, my own compass is going haywire.

Now, I tend to be over-analytical and may be wrongly speaking on behalf of my generation, but do ask yourself one question before you dismiss the Quarter-Life Crisis: do you feel that you should have done more with your life or should have everything a little bit more figured out by now?

If you answered yes, I sadly cannot offer advice but I can offer you a bit of comfort in telling you that you are not alone.

now my mother can say, "I told you so"

As this year comes to a close I thought it appropriate to look back and recall all the things that I’ve learned in 2010. Reading over the list now, I find it funny how much of it I was told by my mother over the years and yet somehow I still managed to have to learn these facts of life the hard way.

Much of what I have to say in this post is inspired by the wise advice of many of my loved ones. If I directly quote or paraphrase anyone, their initials will be noted.

These are not in order of importance. They are all equally important.

1. You are only as strong as your principles.

2. Stop waiting for your life to “start.” News flash: it started a long time ago.

3. Even if you’re never alone, it does not mean you’re not lonely.

4. What you want and what you need are very rarely in alignment.

5. Sometimes, a new handbag IS what you need to feel better. It’s not a crime to indulge in moderation .(ZH)

6. When making decisions about love, make sure your heart and your mind agree. They’re both crucial to making love work. If you only decide with your heart, love may fade as life and responsibility get in the way. If you only decide with your mind, love is not necessarily guaranteed to grow. (LB)

7. Do not give everyone your time. Not everyone is worth it.

8. Kneel. It’s the closest way to reaching the stars. (OI)

9. Your job will never love you back.

10. Be flexible. Plans you set 5 years ago may not necessarily fall into place. That’s ok, life goes on and it may take you to even better places than you originally planned.

11. There will always be someone worse off than you, so be grateful. There will also always be someone better off than you, so be humble.

12. Kindness is not difficult.

13. Your life is a train. Passenger capacity is not unlimited, so you need to be ok with letting some people get off to let others get on. Of course, some will stay with you for the whole ride. Cherish them. (LB)

14. On the days when it’s hard to get out of bed, just think of the people who don’t even own a bed. Your problems will seem much smaller then.

15. Money may not be everything, but it is important. Be smart with your finances.

16. Some mistakes are irreversible. Be careful what you say, what you do, and who you hurt.

17. Let go. Grudges only absorb your positive energy and there is not enough of that in the world to waste on issues of the past.

18. Some people in your life are like gravity, they will only keep you down. You need to let go of them too.

19. The best of friends are the ones who know when not to give advice.

20. Sometimes it’s ok to take the easy way out. Not everything has to be a crusade or a struggle.

21. Do not judge others' decisions. What is right for you is not right for everyone.

22. And finally: Don’t sweat the small things, but do enjoy the little things.

So here's to a 2011 full of new experiences and fresh mistakes. I cannot wait to make this list again next year and see what else my mother was right about.

the green tea revolution

“You need to reduce your stress levels,” my doctor told me today after finishing an endoscopy on my stomach. “You’ve developed a nervous stomach that is physically reacting to stress in your daily life--you need to relax.”

Does that mean I can get a prescription for a chill pill?

Now, I’m not a firefighter, or a doctor, or a police officer. Nobody’s life depends on my work, but I’ve been conditioned to believe that somehow the world is going to collapse if my work isn’t perfect all the time. Sometimes it’s hard to step back and realize that the cold hard fact is that my job, while I am passionate about it, is really just a job. It’s not my life and it’s not the definition of who I am.

Many of my college peers have moved on to high flying careers. Late nights spent at the office have paid off, as many have excelled in their jobs. However, the more I look at the big picture, the more I wonder if the true cost of these promotions and raises isn’t only our time, effort, and social lives. I wonder if maybe we’re paying for it with our health.

In recent months I have heard my friends complain of health problems that in my mind were isolated to our parents and their age bracket. Slipped disc, stomach ulcers, and high cholesterol are only a few of the different conditions that have begun to plague the younger generation. The saddest part is that most are attributed to work related causes, such as long hours in front of a computer or high stress levels at the office.

To put things simply, our jobs are killing us.

I’m unsure if our parents encountered the same amount of stress we do at our age, but I do know for a fact that high cholesterol was among the last things on their minds when they were 24. In my yoga class, the instructor constantly reminds us that we need to listen to our bodies, and never push them further than they are ready to be pushed. While I adhere to this during downward dog and sun salutations, I find that I mute my body during the rest of my life. Instead, I shut it up with coffee and trudge on despite its weary cries.

And so my body seems to have decided that desperate times call for desperate measures and descended these cries upon my stomach. It took fear of an ulcer for me to step back and realize that I really do need to slow down, that I do need to respect my body more.

Maybe in modern times it’s no longer just a work/life balance that eludes us. Maybe now it’s the work/life/health balance.

At a conference I recently attended, there was a presentation about new global trends. The one that piqued my interest the most was a movement toward conscious efforts to slow down our fast paced lives. To illustrate the point, the speaker showed us a product called Slow Cow (www.slowcowdrink.com), which is a drink that parodies Red Bull. The drink’s main ingredient is L-Theanine, a derivative of tea leaves that produces a “feeling of relaxation.”

I was amazed by the insight that this product was built upon, this constant urge to slow down in a world that is forever telling you to run faster. It’s almost a need for rebellion against a society that had taught us that take-away coffee is no longer a novelty, it’s a necessity.

So is the era of travel mug coffee over? Are we ready to listen to our bodies and take a few extra minutes every day to slow down the clock? Will we really accept replacing Red Bull with Slow Cow?

If you ask me, I’m ready. I do still think I need that chill pill prescription, though, because green tea and Slow Cow are definitely not enough to fuel my internal revolution.

it may be your party, but crying isn't going to do you much

I can’t stand whining. Harsh as this may sound, I have no patience for people who throw themselves pity parties on a regular basis. What irks me even further is when these parties continuously have the same themes. Regardless of what awful thing they are lamenting, it always boils down to one ubiquitous statement among whiners: poor me.

Funny enough, they spend more time and energy complaining than they ever do to change their situation. We live in a world soaked with the desire for instant gratification at low cost. We want everything now, and we want it without having to pay. For some reason, we all feel entitled to more. Some work for it, and some whine for it.

What these grumblers so often forget is that complaints rarely ever change anything, even when there’s a Complaints Department that’s paid to listen to you whine. These customer service agents are there to reassure you that it really is an awful situation you’re going through, and they sincerely apologize for that. Sympathy oozes from their tone, and they make you feel vindicated, as if justice has already been served simply by someone acknowledging that you have been wronged.

If you’re complaining simply to fish for sympathy, you’re fishing in a pond of goldfish. When you get one it’s nice at first, swims around aimlessly in circles for a while but usually dies quickly and is fated to be flushed down the toilet. That’s just about how useful sympathy is.

If your boyfriend doesn’t appreciate you, dump him. If you think you’re heavy, join a gym. If you hate your job, look for something else. Stop hiding behind cries of stability, slow metabolisms, economic crisis, and a million other obstacles that tie you down to the comforting status quo of your misery. So few situations are actually out of our control, yet so many people use them to justify their resistance to doing anything that will help them reach for more with their lives. They position the injustice as a permanent hindrance to happiness, whereas it’s usually a temporary hurdle that can easily be jumped over.

That is, if you want to make the leap.

There’s one big rule in my life: if I don’t wake up every morning happy to be doing whatever it is that I’m going to do then there is something wrong. Something has to be changed. Identifying the problem is often tough, but the bigger challenge is actually changing it. Change is never easy, as it brings with it uncertainty on a path that’s often not lit.

And of course, some people are just afraid of the dark.

Do the world a favor and think the next time you are about to put negative energy out into the universe. Dissatisfaction is actually an extremely powerful tool when used properly, so don’t waste it. Instead of just voicing it and letting it bounce off the walls, you are completely capable of turning it into a force that will help you change your life.

That is, if you’re really willing to change.

I work, therefore I am

Ask anyone these days how life is and chances are her answer will begin with a recap of how her job is going. Life sucking can generally be attributed to work not going as smoothly as she would hope, and life being great can often be linked to a hard earned promotion she was recently given. Rarely does the low down on life start with anything other than a career update.

And for most this seems normal, myself included, but when I began to notice this trend with others, I started to monitor my own behavior more closely. Time after time I found that whenever I was asked how my life was going I would give a quick rundown of how work was going (“super busy” have been the key words lately) before launching into anything more personal. I was consistently responding to the question of “how is life?” with an answer more suitable to “how is work?” By the process of deduction the shocking revelation becomes that to me and most others I know life = work.

How utterly sad.

At university I don’t recall ever defining the status of my life by how well my classes were going. Rarely did I respond to “how are you?” with “crap. My classes are absolutely horrible this semester.” Instead, half a dozen other topics of conversation would come to mind before classes were mentioned as an afterthought. My life did not solely consist of my academic career.

My actual career seems to be a different story.

After graduation, I chose to not take a break before jumping into the deep end of the real world. Excited at the prospect of becoming a real adult with real responsibilities, I tossed aside anything non-work related and focused completely on building a foundation for my career. With each brick laid to build this career, however, I was actually removing bricks from the house of my former self. I approached my new job not as what I did but as who I was to become.

I stopped playing volleyball. I stopped reading. I stopped writing. Essentially, I stopped everything that did not have to do with work and purely had to do with my own personal interests. Instead, my life became an endless cycle of long hours in the office followed by socializing. Not surprisingly at all, the socializing did not stray far from work, as the main topic of conversation among my friends was so often our jobs.

Where was the me time?

As 2010 approached four months ago, I thought about my resolutions of 2009 and realized I hadn’t made any. I hadn’t made any agreements with myself about the betterment of my life because I was too busy thinking about the betterment of my career. Instead of focusing on nurturing my soul, I was throwing myself further and further down a corporate hole and sucking any semblance of personal aspirations down with me.

So the question became, was I even a person anymore? In my quest to become a real adult, had I weakened my status as a real person? Instead of being a multifaceted individual I had become a single minded corporate suit. I was no longer Maya, I was employee 264.

And so I promised myself that 2010 would be the year of change, the year I would reinstate the things that used to inspire me outside of the four walls of my cubicle. I joined a volleyball league, began my blog, and bought stacks of books of actual value instead of the beach reading material I had been passing off as literature over the past two years. I began to seek new experiences that would form the memories I would recall years from now. I was learning about myself again, and about all the things that made me tick outside of my billable hours.

But, despite all this, I still find myself answering “how are you” with a quick overview of life at the office and not life in general. Maybe that’s something I’ll never be able to shake, which I guess is normal considering I spend over 70% of the time I am awake at the office. For now, as long as I’m consciously dedicating the remaining 30% to the advancement of myself as a person, and not to the advancement of my career I’ll be happy.

Oddly enough, that task seems a lot more difficult than anything I've ever been given at work.

the semi charmed kinda life

“Are you happy?” my friend asked me today as we were discussing various topics I could write about for my blog. “Yeah, I am hamdillah,” I replied immediately, not thinking twice about the answer. Raising her eyebrow at me she responded, ”Really? Happy or just settling?”

While in my heart I was quick to affirm my happiness to her, her question began to echo in my mind. My answer had not been phony or forced, yet her use of the word “settling” jarred me slightly and caused me to second guess myself. Was I settling? Am I truly happy?

In today’s world we are conditioned to believe that we can always have better. Living in a city like Dubai, the standards are not any different, as we live a fast paced life where it seems like someone is always ahead of you in the race. When I grow too comfortable in the status quo, I always find myself questioning if I’m doing enough with my life and if there’s something I can be doing better. Rarely do I reflect on where I am and say, “you know what? I’m doing damn well right now.”

So maybe that’s why I somewhat felt ashamed to admit I was happy. When asked if I was settling, I began to question whether my standards were actually too low. Could I have a better job? A better car? A better life? Maybe. But do I need it? Have we grown so cynical that we believe that happiness is always one step ahead of us like the proverbial carrot that drives the horse forward?

Or maybe we don’t want to admit out loud that we’re happy, for fear that if we put that fact out there that this elusive happiness that we’ve been chasing all our lives will be snatched from us in the blink of an eye. Being a big believer in jinx, I know that’s definitely a deep rooted fear of mine, but this fear seems to have evolved into something greater, as it now somewhat causes me to wonder whether I should even admit to myself that I’m happy. In the back of my mind there is now this paranoia that if I pause too long to bask in the glow of this happiness that I’ve attained that I will find myself falling behind in life’s race while others charge ahead never stopping once to breathe a sigh of relief when they hit each milestone.

But then I remember a quote I read years ago by Chicago Times columnist Mary Theresa Schmich, “don’t waste your time with jealousy—sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself.”

In essence, the only true and objective measure we have of ourselves or our happiness is our past and where we want to be in the future. If in this moment you are exactly where you want to be and you have grown from the person you were before then what more can you ask for? Happiness is not just a word on a poster that we hang on the wall, but can actually be something you’re missing in your life not because it’s not there but because you simply overlook it when you’re too focused on believing that you need to do more to earn it.

empty plates, empty hearts

When eating good food, I tend to rush through it. Often I find myself filling my mouth with another bite before I’ve even had the chance to swallow the last. I can’t help myself, when I taste something good I just want to eat it all.

But before I realize it, it’s all gone. Whether it’s a piece of rich chocolate cake or a delicious bowl of pasta, I always eat it so quickly that before my mind registers how savory it was I’m staring down at an empty plate. Disappointment always prevails, as we all know you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

When I think about it, it becomes clear that I do that with a lot of things. I always put a song I love on repeat till I can’t stand it anymore, visit a fabulous cafe till I’m sick of its menu, and spend every minute I can with that new someone special because I can’t get enough of their company.

And a lot of the time, that beginning spark of something special ends up fizzling, because when lighting a fire, you have to blow gently. If you blow too hard you just end up putting the fire straight out and are back to sitting alone in the cold.

When we meet someone new that interests us, our immediate reaction becomes that we want to see them constantly. We sneak out of the office for quick lunches with this Mr. X and push aside our regular routine to accommodate more dinners and coffees. We find ourselves writing things down in our agendas in pencil and not pen, because you never know when something might spring up and we’ll get another chance to spend a few more hours with Mr. X.

But soon you find that the interest fades, from one side or the other. Your phone either starts to ring too much for your liking or stops ringing at all, because the interest that was there was wiped clean in such a short time span. If you eat all the cookie dough before it goes in the oven, you never really get the chance to find out how good the cookies could have tasted. Sometimes it pays off more to wait patiently, pace yourself, and then you’ll get to settle down comfortably with a plate of warm biscuits.

Cheesy metaphors aside, I may sound like I’m advocating playing games or hard to get, but I’m not really. The only thing I’m pushing is the idea that you may not want to be that song that somebody grows sick of. Don’t put yourself on repeat.

They didn’t lie when they said you can’t have too much of a good thing. You literally can’t—if you’re not careful, it disappears before you know it.

one important agreement

While I am not a woman who feeds her soul through talk shows, I have to say that sometimes on an idle Friday afternoon I do find myself in the company of an Oprah or Dr. Phil rerun. While most of the time the shows are filled with topics that barely tickle my interest, sometimes these TV sages present something that truly strikes a chord with me.

And sometimes it’s only a few words.

That happened with Oprah years ago, when in her book club segment she was discussing a book by Mexican writer Don Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements. The book focuses on four agreements you make with yourself to alleviate the negative energy that weighs down your life in order to attain the happiness you’ve been seeking. While I’m generally skeptical of the self-help genre, one of these agreements mentioned on the show forever changed the way I think.

Agreement Number Two: Don’t take anything personally.

So often those words had been said to me before, but Ruiz’s explanation was simply so pragmatic that I couldn’t help but feel silly for burdening myself with indignation throughout my whole life. His argument was that people view the world through their own sets of filters, and so what someone says to you is generally intended in a completely different way than you interpret it due to the difference in your filters. It is rare that you ever know the full context of someone’s thoughts, and so the series of triggers that go through their mind and lead to certain comments is unknown to you. For this reason, you can never be sure of what anyone really means. As we have been conditioned into a cynical state by the world we live in, we hardly ever give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they honestly meant no harm.

And so we bring the harm upon ourselves, turning the comment over and over again in our minds trying to create hidden meanings and agendas that were probably never even there to begin with. We analyze tone and body language, without ever thinking to stop for one second to just take comment at face value. In the end, we succeed in doing to ourselves exactly what we thought the other person intended—hurting ourselves.

If you never take things personally, you begin to realize how much easier life becomes. You free yourself of the constant self-doubt that envelops when you believe that others are scrutinizing your every move. Truth is, most people have enough of their own problems to even care enough about your flaws to criticize them.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t listen to constructive critique, it simply means that if someone actually does mean to insult you, let them make more of an effort to actually do it. Stop doing their work for them.