the semi charmed kinda life

“Are you happy?” my friend asked me today as we were discussing various topics I could write about for my blog. “Yeah, I am hamdillah,” I replied immediately, not thinking twice about the answer. Raising her eyebrow at me she responded, ”Really? Happy or just settling?”

While in my heart I was quick to affirm my happiness to her, her question began to echo in my mind. My answer had not been phony or forced, yet her use of the word “settling” jarred me slightly and caused me to second guess myself. Was I settling? Am I truly happy?

In today’s world we are conditioned to believe that we can always have better. Living in a city like Dubai, the standards are not any different, as we live a fast paced life where it seems like someone is always ahead of you in the race. When I grow too comfortable in the status quo, I always find myself questioning if I’m doing enough with my life and if there’s something I can be doing better. Rarely do I reflect on where I am and say, “you know what? I’m doing damn well right now.”

So maybe that’s why I somewhat felt ashamed to admit I was happy. When asked if I was settling, I began to question whether my standards were actually too low. Could I have a better job? A better car? A better life? Maybe. But do I need it? Have we grown so cynical that we believe that happiness is always one step ahead of us like the proverbial carrot that drives the horse forward?

Or maybe we don’t want to admit out loud that we’re happy, for fear that if we put that fact out there that this elusive happiness that we’ve been chasing all our lives will be snatched from us in the blink of an eye. Being a big believer in jinx, I know that’s definitely a deep rooted fear of mine, but this fear seems to have evolved into something greater, as it now somewhat causes me to wonder whether I should even admit to myself that I’m happy. In the back of my mind there is now this paranoia that if I pause too long to bask in the glow of this happiness that I’ve attained that I will find myself falling behind in life’s race while others charge ahead never stopping once to breathe a sigh of relief when they hit each milestone.

But then I remember a quote I read years ago by Chicago Times columnist Mary Theresa Schmich, “don’t waste your time with jealousy—sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself.”

In essence, the only true and objective measure we have of ourselves or our happiness is our past and where we want to be in the future. If in this moment you are exactly where you want to be and you have grown from the person you were before then what more can you ask for? Happiness is not just a word on a poster that we hang on the wall, but can actually be something you’re missing in your life not because it’s not there but because you simply overlook it when you’re too focused on believing that you need to do more to earn it.